Sometimes for a long time in your life you have a feeling that you are good and much better than most people around you and a lot of people around you help you believe it too. You keep telling yourself that you are going good and you are going to become better and no one is still there to give you any kind of competition.
When one day you get up in the morning and realize that there was someone before you doing what you were doing in a much better way. It’s pretty filmy after that. You hear all sorts of sounds: glass shattering, heart breaking, paper tearing, etc. (I couldn’t get anymore "creative" so etc. works)
When I entered the "blogosphere" (I like how it sounds) I was an apprentice in many ways. Though I went to a convent and read a lot even as a kid, I was not really good with usage of the "big words”. I am more like a dictionary with meanings of words but no explanation of how and where to use them. Around me I was one of the best. I thought that I am pretty good for an 18 year old. And I started my blog 10 months back with lots of enthusiasm and support.
But recently I started reading other blogs. Blogs of people I don’t know, know-but-don’t-talk-to, know-but-i-dont-know-how, who-talk-about-love-like-its-the-only-thing-important-in-this-world (these blogs are a fun read; they make me feel so much better).After all the reading I came to a conclusion that yeah I am still better than many out there "but" there are so many better writers of my age who write so many more meaningful and sensible things than what my blog has ever witnessed.
When I read their posts I felt like my blog is more like a personal dairy when I rant about my life, my relationships, my not so interesting thoughts.Seriously who even cares? Who even cares what I want, what are the little things that make me happy? Who even cares about what kind of a person I am?!
A friend of mine the other day said in a matter of fact casual way that the theme of my blog is ME! That almost offended me. The theme of my blog is not supposed to be me. It’s supposed to be more, a lot more.
So I got up this morning and re-read my blog and I realized, "oh my god this blog is a mess."
I did not start writing with an intention of being mediocre blogger who talks crap on her blog. It was meant to make people think. And I have clearly not done a lot with that.
So I thought and thought harder and decided to stop writing for a while. I am going to stop blogging till I come up with at least 5 meaningful posts about things that need to be given actual attention rather than my messed up career and love life.
This decision has made me both sad and happy. Sad because I am really going to miss my blog and happy because I know this decision is going to help me do something really creative and sensible.
I don’t know how long this is going to take and when I am going to be back, so for whoever really cares - miss me!