Moving On To something New!

Just a few days prior to completing 2 years on the blogosphere and having rambled to an extent that no one listened, I felt the need to elevate and with everything changing in life I thought so should my space. So though I will ramble here occasionally I got myself a new space on Tumblr. Anyone reading? Follow my posts on http://undergoingmetamorphosis.tumblr.com/. 

Oh and this delayed post is due to in numerous complications that come with the "Bi- Annual Internship break". Sigh.

If I ever tried explaining to my parents

Chris McCandless said “In reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future”, the depth and complexity of this simple truth astonishes me today to an extent that I question every single decision I have made for my future until now. People around me often discuss what they want from life and what they want to give back to life with such confidence, it startles me.

I am walking on a road clueless about my destination. I climb onto a train of emotions and experiences. Thankful to have no indication of what lies ahead. What makes life’s experience meaningful for me is discovering each day that every truth from childhood and every single fact taught to me is a lie. That life is more complicated than how it was shown to me and more fundamental than how you see it.

Everyone is running in race for survival. But losing somewhere in that race the reason for existence. I am philosophical. I like it that way. I am not going to be running behind a career and creating a niche for me. I want to soar higher and see it all. I am not ready to settle down. I may never be. I know you’d rather see me have a well-set career and a seven-digit pay cheque, but I see myself exploring. Seeing what has never been seen and being somewhere no one has ever been is all I see myself doing. I am not one to conform. I’d rather make my own rules. I am not one to find the right guy and marry him. (I know that’s the last thing you want me to do either) I don’t want a family to answer to. I am not responsible enough for anyone else, I may never be.

I want to be lost and wander. I want to know why men want to win a war that they never had to fight to begin with. I want to be away from all this insanity. And be somewhere I can hear the winds whisper to me the tales of the lands separated by time. I don’t want the obligation to interact with humans. I don’t want to be part of the cacophony that civilization today lives amidst. I have no regard for the false materialistic belongings. I’d rather spend hours lying down in a field soaking within me the essence of reality in its wholesome form.

It is puzzling for you to know when exactly did life become so poetic for your little girl? Well it was somewhere around that time when I was being torn apart by realism and fantasy.

I hope you understand now that I am not going to be shut inside a cocoon leading a well-designed life; I hope you know why my Utopian nature suits my ever-impenetrable mind. And I hope you know that one fine day when the sun rises slowly over the horizon and the weather is just correct, when the winds blow swiftly brushing away all the prudence I am going to set out on a journey and walk INTO THE WILD…

Pleonasm.

How meaningless I have felt in the past few days without writing. I was daubed with sloth and impassiveness and couldn’t do much about it. True Story.Days seem to have suddenly become longer and yet there is little time to do a lot. Money seems to fly away through my ever-shut windows leaving me claustrophobic and wimpy. The ever obtuse and unchallenging masses around me have vexed me to an extent that in my mind I have killed them innumerable times. The long idle hours have brought to fruition the core quality of humans-selfishness to light and the reality of every single living thing- sorrow. These constants are unaffected by all the other variables Life is math. An algebraic problem that very few can solve or to begin with realize that they got to solve.The constant happiness that people seek is in the direction that most of them never look. What we seek and what we run behind are 2 different things.What I seek is a mystery but unlike many others I have begun looking. I am now in Search of that one thing to devastate my pointless current state.Shut in a chamber merely lit by just the ray of hope that the door will open into a world of answers.

And that shall set my soul and mind free to create something to affect an entire generation of thinking and doing.To say more than necessary,to see more than what is shown, to feel more than what exists. 

*tuned into* everybody hurts.- R.E.M

Where Art thou?

Steve Jobs said in his Stanford speech that you have to trust in something; your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Motivational? Sure.
But then what if life comes to a point where you have no idea what you believe and can believe in? What If everything you ever did and everything you ever planned to do stands in court of judgement by you and everyone around you?

What if your life suddenly becomes an example that people give when they want to talk about failures and misjudgements?

What if that one person you thought would stay, leaves you at the crossroad from where the road is too dark to walk alone? And What if life gives you no help in figuring out the way you ought to walk on?

What if all the answers become open ended questions. What if every issue you ever fought against becomes the reality of your life. What if solutions are bigger than the problems? What if then you’re too weak to stand up for anyone you truly love because you don’t think you can help yourself out to begin with?

What if this happens more than once in your life? Where do you look, what do you hear, who do you ask?

Where art thou guarding angel? Come back! Come back and get the answers. Come back with the solution. You can be anyone? You can be anything? If you are have the answers, if you help me find a way, if you show me the light, you then are my guarding angel.

So where art thou?

And then after all that while....!!

I want to fly, fly until I touch the sky.

Fly to countries across the oceans, soar over pastures and lands.

I want to bear the scorching desert heat and wing my way through the clouds.

I want to touch the flowing waters and then stand on the cold mountain atop.

I wish I procure the answers to the questions of life.

And know where happiness truly lies.

On my quest this arduous I wish I could fly.

And soar up high so that every difficulty seems all right.

For now wherever I look I see a mound of unanswered questions.

Ah! Only if I find my light.

If could glide and maneuver and do all the above

I might find one answer to answer it all.

Then years from now when I have lived this dream

I pray I can come back to you my cherished.

Share my stories I have gathered through time.

And hear you talk about the adventures of your life.

Then like others we shall find our “normal” bay.

And maybe then you will not complain.

But until then sweet love of mine,

Will you promise to love me all that while?

Will you come back perfectly dressed in white?

And kiss me with those lips so kind.

Baby you complete me like no one else can.

And when you’re back from the journey that wild

Let me be the one who calms your mind.

I shall wait for the day when you walk down the aisle

And ask me to be yours for the rest of your life.

P.S i am not sure if i can call this a poetry . but yeah its definitely something new i have tried.

*Tuned into*  Can you feel the Love Tonight 

An open Letter to a typical Ex !!

Dear Typical EX,

You stood there with a straight face. Like I deserved it. I begged and pleaded. I said, we could make it work. You said nothing. I tried; I tried really hard to understand your inarticulateness. I had never been on this side. You confused me. You thought you knew what you are doing. You disregarded my plea and asked me to leave.

I had so much to tell you, but you ignored it all. I asked you for time. You said I couldn’t do anything and walked away. I sat there thinking what I could do to get you back. I contrived and improvised. I needed you back. I thought for months.

Then one day I wore a pretty dress, I said the nicest things, I behaved my best, and you ignored. I crossed your path over and over again. But you ignored still. Ignored until I felt drained. I came back exhausted. Sat down wondering what had I done wrong. I had been honest. I gave you myriad openings and opportunities to grab. I had been sensitive and understanding. I had been forgiving and compassionate. I listened and advised. I had loved you with all my heart. Then what had it been?

And just when I thought I am going to cry like always, my heart said a firm No!

I knew for sure after innumerous months of trying and weeping that you weren’t worth it.what did I ever even like about you? You were just a simple little guy in love with the absolutely crazy me. Had I not known we don’t connect? Of course I had but there you sat with those puppy eyes luring me towards you. How did I forget that it was you who started it first? Why again was I so desperate to get you back? I wouldn’t have even noticed you exist had you not made it a point to strike a conversation with me at the drop of a hat.

I was now ready to let you go now. Just like that.

Yes I know you’re coming back now. You cant live without me and you love me. But yeah Bugger Off man. This cant go on forever. I am no option. I didn’t “NEED” you, I really really loved you. But now it’s too late and now there are going to be no discussions and no fights over whose fault it was. I am not going be standing where I did until recently. I have crossed the fence and moved away. It’s over. And you have to deal with it!

I can write so much now. Tell you how much you make me think and ponder. How much you need to change about yourself. But yeah I am going to stop. Because once upon a time you were the hero of my story.

Once yours,

No more yours!

P.s This was something I had written a long time back. When you think you are “in love” you assume you cant live without that person and you try everything to get him/her back. You blame yourself for mistakes you never even committed.But there always comes a point when everyone moves on.  It hurts. You feel cheated and it’s natural to dislike them for a bit.But you move on in true sense when you forgive them and never look back.
Since I can never really Hate-Hate them, Writing bitter things helps me move on. *winks*

P.p.s This my first piece from someone else's point of view. i wrote this after listening to someone speaking about her EX. 

This Too Shall Pass !!

Life is a bitch. It slaps you hard and harder each time. When you think you’ve got charge, life gives you something new to deal with. People come and go and don’t turn around to look that you can barely stand when they’ve left. They use you like a thing, deal with you according to their convenience and go away when they need “their” time. 

Love fades. Priorities change. Plans never work out. Things seem difficult more often than not. You have to constantly fight for what you want. It’s never painless.  Insignificant is what you’re generally called. Nowhere is where you belong. Happiness comes and goes. But the sorrow is what is constant.

When things in life change ,you hear depressing music. You Do nothing but Sulk. On some days you eat far more than your stomach deserves, and on other days you don’t eat at all. You do all sorts of stupid things and regret everything you've done in the past. You over think. You almost give up. You tend to be a little too hard on yourself for sometime. You do it all but- MOVE ON!

Think. How would it be to live a formulated life? A thriller never seems enthralling the second time, does it? Purpose gives you hope and purpose comes when you have something to fight for. When your existence has a meaning you stop feeling insignificant. Like Steve Jobs said you can never look ahead and join the dots but when you turn around to take a look and wonder why he left, You realize that was just because it was time for you to find something else to Love.

It hurts but Life keeps changing and nothing remains constant. And the only thing you’ve go to do is dust your skirt, tell you’re self this too shall pass and Move On…even when it “seems” impossible!

P.S  Yeah I am preachy like that! 

*Tuned into* How to Save Life  - Fray

Jee Chaahe Panchi Ho Jaavaan !!

Jee chaahe panchi ho jaavaan Uhdda jaavaan, gaaonda jaavaan An-chuh sikharaan nu choo paavaan Is duniya diyaan raahvaan bhul ke Fer kade na vaapas aavaan. Ja ashnaan karaan vich zam-zam La deekaan peeyaan Daan da paani. Maan-sarovar de beh kande tuta jeia ik geet maen gaavaan. Ja baethaan vich khiriyaan rohiyaan Phakaan pauna itar sajoeeyaan. Him-teesiyaan moeeyaan moeeyaan Yugaan yugaan ton kakar hoeeyaan Ghut kaleje maen garmaavaan. Jee chaahe panchi ho jaavaan Hoe aalhna vich shatootaan Jaan vich jand, kareer, sarootaan, Aaon pure de seet faraate, Lachkaare eyun laen daaliyaan Jyun koi Doli khede jariyaan. Ik din aesa jhakhar jhule UD pud jaavan sabhe teele, Be-ghar be-dar maen ho jaavaan. Saari umar piyaan ras gham da, Aese nashe vich jind handhaavaan Jee chaahe panchi ho jaavaan.

The writer of this song, Shiv Kumar Batalvi has written some really beautiful poetries. His styles of writing-his poetries are extremely relatable and honest.  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shiv_Kumar_Batalvi

I cant stop listening to this song and humming it. It talks on behalf of my thoughts in the most precise way. 

*tuned into* Pachi Hojava

Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget!

You kiss me on my forehead and look down at me with teary eyes. You say you love me and tell me to be okay. You ask me for a million promises and enquire for the zillionth time if I understand. I feel the pain you’re going through when you hold me tight one last time. You walk away leaving me there.
I stare over the horizon and back to the spot where you stood seconds back telling me how much you love me and how much you regret this. The night grows darker and I find myself standing at the end of the tunnel with no light to show me a direction. My legs tremble and I feel the ground below me dissolving and the waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now rearing high up washing over my head, pulling me under. I want to run, run until my lungs burst. But my body doesn’t seem to move fast enough. I want to call out to you, but my voice is lost amidst that entire quandary. 
You’re gone. Leaving me with a year off memories and your love that will stay with me forever.Sleepless and nights of nightmares I live now. I realize with days passing by and you’re constant presence in my memories and thoughts, the pain isn’t weakened; rather I am growing strong enough to bear it.

As I struggle not to think about you I don’t struggle to forget. I wonder late at night, when exhaustion of sleep deprivation break down my defenses that one day when I will no more see you pass by me and I am no more there to sense the agony in your eyes as you try hard to not look at me, then that someday I will not be able to remember the precise feel of your skin, you’re coldness or the texture of your voice.  The thought makes me uneasy as I note it down right now.

I shouldn’t then think about you, but I need to remember all that because there is just one think I need to be able to survive- I have to know that you existed. Everything else I could endure. You’re absence will pierce my heart like a permanent dagger within my chest. But reminiscence will be the reason to survive and pull through.  Though I wonder how long this distress will last for. Maybe someday, years from now, if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it, I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as you’d given me. More than I’d asked for, more than I’d deserved. Maybe someday I’d be able to see it that way. Even though death is unquestionably an option of relief, I wouldn’t consider it now because I am responsible for people who care and need me. I have made you a promise that I would take care of myself and for all these reasons I am still breathing. 
My own life means little to me today. I cannot resurface. Not yet at least.

However Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but it does.  It is a hard line to walk but I know I have to let you go. Set you free. The affliction and suffering is a pay back for all the love you brought into my life. For the colors you gave my existence. For the meaning and direction you have given my dreams.

As I sit in this faintly lit room feeling subdued and hollow I wish that for every tear that I drop a smile crosses your face.

P.s I am trying to take inspirations from stories and write my own versions for them. And for some odd and not-so-odd reason my first inspiration was New Moon. Though I am not a huge fan of the series I can best relate to it right now. 
Just trying my hand on something new. 

*tuned into* jiyein kyun

Last Dinner!

She hogged on her Thali like the world would end the minute she paused or stopped. There was so much to devour .The room was well lit and he sat across the table looking at her amused as she ordered for more basundi. He had been begging her to come with him to this particular restaurant from forever. And she had tried really hard to keep him away. She loathed this cuisine. But this was amazing food. She felt untroubled and radiant inside and thought to herself that today was the best food she had eaten in her life. She chocked a little and complained about the amount she had eaten. He grinned further. Everything felt perfect and flawless.

The waiter asked them if they needed anything else and he looked at her teasingly. She laughed and said no…and with this ended their ‘Last Dinner’!!!!

She had forgotten all about the day. Their fight. The Truth. But as he paid the bill, reality hit like a lightning bolt. They were over!!!

Her world was just about to change. Her happiness was going to have to find a new definition.

It had been a long day. She wished now she had slept over it than have met him. They wouldn’t fight and there wouldn’t be a reason to start the ball rolling. There wouldn’t have been the discussion and he wouldn’t have decided to leave.

She had told him she would understand. But how could she? How could she possibly live without him? Live without talking to him? They had been together for too long. They had shared a little too much. He had given her too much for her to forget and move on!

There would be no arguments over difference in opinions. There would be no smiles of agreement. There would be no one to share dreams with. There would be no one to try new food joints with. There would be no one to complete her sentences. There would be no one hence to know what she wants without telling.

As he left her home and hugged her one last time, she wished she dint have to leave him. Did he have to go right now? It was never meant to stay. But what if it did? What if they gave it another chance? What if it worked? What if they fought for it? Should she talk to him? Where were the answers? Why was it so difficult?

She turned around to find the answers and she knew she had to talk to him and stop him.

But she couldn’t! She didn’t.

She just looked at him one last time and turned her face as a tear rolled down her cheek and she shut her eyes wishing that he got everything he deserves and much more. And she wished that when he did, he'd come back to her and love her like no one ever did and no one ever could apart from him.

*tuned into* heartbreak warfare.

Placidity !!

“Calm the winds of your thoughts, and there will be no waves on the ocean of your mind.”

Surrounded by clouds of grey, as tranquility pierced darkness, as she dipped into the ocean of serenity and she sat there amongst many, Not having much to say, she just observed everyone go delirious.

Haltingly she inhaled the herb. Loud noises and slow music filled her ears. It was just a few of them, then why was it so loud? Why on earth was everyone yelling? She wanted to tell them to shut up. They would wake the neighbors at this atypical hour.  But her mouth was dry. She couldn’t do much right now. She instead decided to shut her eyes and enjoy every bit of what was happening to her now. The paper burnt smoothly. Every drag bought with it a new color ; a new feeling.

The first time she had let it into her, she didn’t know what was happening to her. She wanted to snap out then, unable to figure out where she had travelled. It had freaked her out. She thought she was in a dream. A dream that was going to last for so long that she would forget to wake up. 

And today she wished she never woke up after all. And now suddenly it was the best feeling ever. A trance she wanted to live in.Her legs were dead, her body was numb and she was floating. Like a bird in the sky. She flew and flew, over seas of emotions, rivers of happiness and roads of regrets. She had seen it all, she had thought. But from where she stood now, she had so much left to walk.

Her eyes lay shut for some more time and the breeze from the window made her feet cold. Nevertheless her hypnotized mind ignored everything corporeal. It was just she and her thoughts.  So mystical.  She wandered through the land of esoteric and the ocean of understanding that was still like never before.Waves didn’t interrupt its course tonight. She dragged Puff after puff of that white widow kind into her body. Eirene had come visiting her tonight. She belonged somewhere else she knew. As she lay there thinking, she wrote stories in her head. She composed tunes and she re read her life. More alert than ever she jumped at every possible odd sound. But she let her eyes be shut.

It was gravity acting against her. 

And slowly she was pulled into a deep sleep. Only to get up the next morning unable to remember how she fell asleep in the first place. 

*tuned into* who says - john mayer

And the world was hers for the reading...!

Hey all,

Evidently I am pretty chirpy today (refer to “hey all”) as oppose to the last few fretful days. I am yet again late for college and surprisingly not because of the customary “I need sleep” excuse. I have just been reading since 9 30 when I was ideally supposed to be running towards a rickshaw to reach college.

If you were to ever ask me what’s the easiest way to make me like you or make me happy? I would say Talk to me about how awesome reading is, or mention a book I love, or quote from some really great book, or buy me a book I haven’t read and I will be all over you for sometime. Yes I am that easy. Books make me fall in love. 

Give me a couch and a good book and you wont have me talking to you for hours. Gift me a "good" book and I am going to praise your taste for the rest of my life even if you really do have a bad taste about things generally and you just randomly liked the cover of the book when you bought it for me (I have done this before).

Because Fundamentally I am quite a bibliophile and despise how I got little time to read in my first semester. However my stay at Mumbai gave me enough time to go back to reading. And now I can’t sleep without reading again.

I can download any book I want in a matter of minutes on my phone, but for me nothing can substitute the happiness, the smell of a new book or the feel of an old book can give. Hence despite having a really expensive phone on which I can read, I spent the entire morning making a list of books (which exceeds the mark of 50) I want to read in the next semester and ordered my first 3 books from flipcart.

Soooo joyous is the wait for the books to arrive that I hardly remember why I sulked all these days. I was so engrossed I didn't realize i had eleven miscalls. I am so ardent I can hardly feel the cold. Ahhhh, I love how dreamy I feel right now.

So though people say that life is the thing, i prefer reading.

To more reading and happier days ahead.

*Tuned into* walk of life - dire straits

Resolution 2012!

“How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them”.

I felt cryptically bitter and dull when I walked into my room a lot many hours back. I knew it was one of those typical days when I was PMS-ing out of turn. So considering it was just a girl thing and it will pass, I tried to fall asleep. And just when I was about to hit my REM my warden called for me and I have been up since the last five hours. Its 4 in the morning and unlike “normal” people I am wide awake listening to depressing music and eating my third bornville bar in the last 24 hours. I have no particular reason for this sudden bout of depression.I am alone in my room and at peace. It’s a good thing right now (though I am majorly bored and I could do with some company) because I don’t have to pretend I am fine when I am not.

I had nothing to do so I did what I love doing-read. I read a few blogs here and there where people spoke about how great their new years had been, or how high their hopes fly in this new year, how they made the year special for their girlfriend etc. However more commonly people by the end of the first week have come to the clichéd point where they indulge in the most pointless argument- the nature of New Year resolution or their yet another attempt at giving New Year resolutions a chance.

See 3 years back I made a new years resolution to never make a new years resolution. But now since I have stopped depending on people for the push, I thought I need to do the task myself even if it’s hidden under the excuse of a “new year resolution”. So yeah I have a resolution- to sail through this without looking back. Now honestly neither do I know what I have to sail through (except for degree college…*painful*) and neither am I sure what I keep looking for every time I turn around.I had some sort of epiphany that resulted in this thought. I have absolutely lost the ability to comprehend and bother. I am finally taking it as it comes. And precisely for this to live a little longer I know I have to keep telling myself that I need to sail through this and not look back.

So here I sit, wrapped up in my quilt, giving New Year resolutions (that are more often than not disappointing) yet another chance.

And as I float around in the realm of abstruse like always, I hope all you people out there are getting some good sleep.

P.s I miss someone tonight. Someone I haven’t missed in sometime now. This post is dedicated to that someone in all obscurity.

P.p.s I have had a crazy few days since I returned back to Pune. I am looking forward to some not-so-stoned days. *Sigh*

*tuned into* Half of my heart - John Mayer