Thursday, February 2, 2012

Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget!

You kiss me on my forehead and look down at me with teary eyes. You say you love me and tell me to be okay. You ask me for a million promises and enquire for the zillionth time if I understand. I feel the pain you’re going through when you hold me tight one last time. You walk away leaving me there.
I stare over the horizon and back to the spot where you stood seconds back telling me how much you love me and how much you regret this. The night grows darker and I find myself standing at the end of the tunnel with no light to show me a direction. My legs tremble and I feel the ground below me dissolving and the waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now rearing high up washing over my head, pulling me under. I want to run, run until my lungs burst. But my body doesn’t seem to move fast enough. I want to call out to you, but my voice is lost amidst that entire quandary. 
You’re gone. Leaving me with a year off memories and your love that will stay with me forever.Sleepless and nights of nightmares I live now. I realize with days passing by and you’re constant presence in my memories and thoughts, the pain isn’t weakened; rather I am growing strong enough to bear it.
As I struggle not to think about you I don’t struggle to forget. I wonder late at night, when exhaustion of sleep deprivation break down my defenses that one day when I will no more see you pass by me and I am no more there to sense the agony in your eyes as you try hard to not look at me, then that someday I will not be able to remember the precise feel of your skin, you’re coldness or the texture of your voice.  The thought makes me uneasy as I note it down right now.

I shouldn’t then think about you, but I need to remember all that because there is just one think I need to be able to survive- I have to know that you existed. Everything else I could endure. You’re absence will pierce my heart like a permanent dagger within my chest. But reminiscence will be the reason to survive and pull through.  Though I wonder how long this distress will last for. Maybe someday, years from now, if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it, I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as you’d given me. More than I’d asked for, more than I’d deserved. Maybe someday I’d be able to see it that way. Even though death is unquestionably an option of relief, I wouldn’t consider it now because I am responsible for people who care and need me. I have made you a promise that I would take care of myself and for all these reasons I am still breathing. 
My own life means little to me today. I cannot resurface. Not yet at least.

However Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but it does.  It is a hard line to walk but I know I have to let you go. Set you free. The affliction and suffering is a pay back for all the love you brought into my life. For the colors you gave my existence. For the meaning and direction you have given my dreams.

As I sit in this faintly lit room feeling subdued and hollow I wish that for every tear that I drop a smile crosses your face.

P.s I am trying to take inspirations from stories and write my own versions for them. And for some odd and not-so-odd reason my first inspiration was New Moon. Though I am not a huge fan of the series I can best relate to it right now. 
Just trying my hand on something new. 

*tuned into* jiyein kyun

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